Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Last "Real" Day

This day one year ago was the last normal day with my mom as my mom.  Not my mom with cancer, or my dying mom.  Just mom doing what she normally does--taking care of us kids and all that comes with that.

I had taken up running last year and had my first 5k race on Saturday April 26, 2008.  I had looked forward to this day for a while now and was very excited.  I had lost 40 pounds and had trained pretty hard to be able to run 3 miles.  (That is huge for me:) 
Brett had a last minute work trip to Wendover and wasn't able to be there.  I woke up, took my kids to a friend's house and went to run the race with my good friends Misti, Jenna, and Jen.  
I came in last place out of my friends and didn't have anyone there to greet me.  Yes I had my friends and their families were there but I will admit I was a little bummed that I had no one to meet me at the finish line.  It was such a huge accomplishment for me and all I had worked for and I celebrated alone.  Oh well!!  I'm a big girl.

I had a ton planned for this day so I rushed to get my kids, get them ready, and get Jane to a birthday party.  She could only stay for 1 hour because we had my niece's and nephew's play to attend and my mom had set up a babysitter at her house for Aly and Tobe.  She kept calling and asking where I was.  I was stressed and mad that I was handling this busy day on my own (in other words I was mad at Brett:)

 My mom entertained the babysitter as I was on my way.  I got there dropped the little ones off and raced to get to the Draper City Theater to watch the play.  I sat by my mom.  She seemed just fine.  My whole family was there.  Again, that is what we did.  We supported one another.  Even if it was difficult.  

Tanner and Jane

Jane and Jessica after the play

After the play we gathered at my mom's house to celebrate Tanner's (my nephew) birthday and to bid Adam (my brother) farewell.  He was to leave for Peru the next morning for a 2 1/2 month internship...if only we had known)

Brett met us there on his way home from Wendover.  The party was as usual.  I was busy chasing after my kids.  My family watched and helped in sympathy as they always did.  In fact at one time Aly and Tobe were both poopy and my sweet sister-in-law Megan helped me change their diapers.  Brett slept through the whole party.  I was mad.  

Some of my family remembers my mom being tired and worn out.  I on the other hand remember juggling 3 kids by myself.  I wish I remembered more.  I wish I had spent the whole day with my mom.  Memorizing her.  

In my anger I packed up, gathered the kids, and left.  As I was leaving my mom humored me and said, "Hey Manda...don't go away mad:)"  in her joking yet understanding way.  She knew I had a lot on my plate and she knew I needed more from Brett.  She was my shoulder to cry on when I was frustrated.  She was the one person who put it all in perspective and taught me how to get through the tough times.  Oh how I miss her!!

I left and Brett followed.  That was the last normal day I had with my mom and I left mad.  I left without even saying good bye to Adam (or anyone else for that matter).  

I wish I could go back to this day.  I don't know what I would have done differently but I wish I could do it all over again.  Maybe I would have been more helpful to my mom instead of being in my own "feel sorry for me" world.  Maybe I wouldn't  change a thing but I would love to be there again.  In my mom's house, in my mom's presence.  That is a comfortable place to be. 


Dawn said...

Me too Mand - Me too!

Barney Family said...

Every post is so heartfelt! Amanda I don't know your mom but, I'm sure she wouldn't want you to ever regret any thing and I am sure she watches down upon you and still listens.

You made me cry today in Sunday school. My heart goes out to you, I know you are having a hard time and understandably so. You look great though, with your six pound weight loss.

I just came across Janes blog. What a unique idea!


Debbie said...

Still miss her so, so much.

Kami said...

what a memory you have. I'm sure she is watching down on you right now, and wants you to not have regret. It is crazy to hear about a random day in your life, and then look back and realize how important that day would be to you a year later.

Staci said...

I think there is a lot I would change if I could go back in time. It is hard to put things into perspective, you were just living your life. I have so many days like the one you described, trying to juggle kids, bummed at husband for not helping etc...I am sure your mom understood, she sounds like such a great women!