Saturday, April 18, 2009

One Year Ago...

We are coming up on one year since my mom was diagnosed with cancer.  I find myself wondering what I was doing one year ago, when life was normal;  when my life was familiar and comfortable.  From the minute my mom was diagnosed, my world turned upside down.  

When she died I thought to myself, "I'll see her again soon.  It's just like she's on a little vacation."  Well as the days go by I am realizing that "soon" is a really long time.  As time passes, she is becoming farther and farther from me.  

I don't want to forget her.  I don't want to ever be okay that she is gone.  I don't want my kids to forget her even though they will.  I want to always have very clear memories that I can share with them.

I am going to try to record the last memories I had of her so that I won't forget.  

One year ago on April 19, 2008 (saturday) my brother Adam had a benefit concert to make money for his upcoming internship in Peru.  We all wanted to support him as a family and attend his concert.  Brett couldn't make it because he had something for work.  I got a babysitter and my mom invited me to drive with her and my dad.  I met them at their house in Draper and we loaded in the Lexus to meet my sisters and their husbands at the Thaiphoon Restaurant at Gateway.

When we arrived at Gateway my mom asked my dad to drop us off at the front because she was so out of breath lately.  I didn't think much of it.  We took the escalator instead of the stairs because she knew she wouldn't be able to make it up the stairs.  Again, I thought to myself, "She needs to get in shape.  She is always so out of breath."

We had a nice dinner.  My mom had whispered that I'd be paying for myself, which I didn't mind because my mom would ALWAYS try to pay for me on the sly.  This time she allowed me to pay for myself.  I ordered something with the dried red peppers in it because I bit into one and it burned my lips like crazy.  I couldn't finish my dinner.  My mouth was on fire.  My mom kept telling me to drink water.  Or put ice on it.  She felt bad.  It was ok.

After dinner Dawn, Aaron, Jenn, Scott, and I decided to walk over to the Addicted Cafe instead of drive.  It was a nice night and we had all eaten too much.  Mom needed to drive over.  We met them there.

We sat and had a very enjoyable time.  Mom seemed fine.  We were all out of our element because we were amongst local musicians and a few strange people.  But Mom was proud of Adam and that is what our family does; we support each other no matter what.

I wish I could get this picture bigger.  It is a great picture of mom.  That's my mom how I will always remember her.

We had no idea what was about to hit our family.  Maybe Mom did in the back of her mind, but the rest of us were happy and content. 


Debbie said...

I am going to love your journal, because I remember this whole thing also. It hits in the heart.

The Brannon Family said...

It is amazing how your life can change so quickly with no warning. The hard part is the lack of control we sometimes have over it. There are so many of us that will never forget your mom! She was an amazing woman!

The anniversarys can definitely be a challenge... Thinking of you!!

Dawn said...

That was such an interesting night - full of giggles.
I had forgotten about the pepper and burning mouth. I am glad you are recalling some of the little details. It's the little things about our journey that will make us smile.

I still miss her and have panic attacks wondering how I am going to do this life without her - She was so good to us. We were so lucky!!

Logan and Ashley said...

I love that you recalled the small things. That is the stuff you forget that makes the memory go away because you forget the stuff that put you in that moment. Stay strong I can't wait to come out and see you!!

jenn said...

I thought about this night all day Saturday. I don't want to forget any little detail. Thanks for recording them and sharing them with all of us. That was a fun night, little did we know what was all about to explode on our family. I wish we could go back and change the future.

Anonymous said...

Amanda, I loved your journal and pictures about your Mom. I too, miss her, I think about her so often and all of you. I know I will see her again. She is like a family member to me. You will be thankful for writing your thoughts and remembrances of her.
**Kathy Jibson from California

Kami said...

It is crazy how fast a year has gone by. Good for you for keeping a journal to remember this all.

Kelli @ writing the waves said...

It has been quite a year, hasn't it?
You pay such tribute to your mom by recording all of these memories on your blog.

I wouldn't have thought anything about her being out of breath that night either. It's just crazy.

Alyssa Hanzon said...

I love how you recognized and remembered that your mom felt sad for you when your lips were burning that night. She offered advice to ease your pain. Your mom was good at recognizing distress in her children and jumping in to offer solutions or advice. Continue to be like her in that regard. It is a good way to promote that part of her legacy. Thinking of you. AH

Heather @ boy, girl, and a pug said...

What a fabulous memory, even though it might be a little hard right now. I'm glad you were able to write it down to read later and for your little ones to read later.

Thank you so much for the gift cards. You have no idea how much we appreciate them. I cried when I saw they were from you. You are so very sweet. Cancer sucks, but I will beat this. Thank you so much for all your support.