Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Day--April 28, 2008

I'm not sure what to call this day.  It wasn't the worst day of my life but it was the beginning of the bad ones.  It was the end to my happy lazy comfortable life.  The last day I remember feeling great.  I long to feel great again.

I woke up at 6 am to go running with my friends.  I finished the run, walked Kadee home and was walking toward my house when I had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude come over me.  It was Spring, it was a beautiful morning.  I was finally settled in a neighborhood that I loved.  And that even sounds like an understatement.  I was finally settled.  (after 9 moves this was huge)  I had lost the weight that I had set out to lose.  I had just run 3 miles.  I had 3 beautiful children and a great husband sleeping at home.  I was so blessed.  
I remember praying out loud and thanking my Heavenly Father for all he had blessed me with.  I began to cry and I even said, "Don't give me a trial yet.  My life is so wonderful right now.  I am so blessed."  (note to self...NEVER say that again)

I got home and went about my day as usual.  I blogged an unusual blog for what was about to happen.  I tidied my house.  I got my kids ready for the day, etc., etc..  
At 10 am I got a phone call from Dawn.  Apparently I had missed a few of her phone calls because she asked me where I had been.  Dawn was filling in for my mom at Aspen Ridge Dental (my mom worked for my sister Dawn's husband at their dental practice) because my mom had finally gone to the doctor to see what was the problem.  

My mom woke up and was making her bed when she finally gave in, asked my dad for a Priesthood blessing and then asked him to take her to Insta Care.  

By the time Dawn had called me my mom had already had x-rays taken of her chest revealing all the masses.  Insta Care told her it was probably pnemonia  but sent her to the hospital to be sure.  I was relieved that it was just pnemonia and went about my day.  I did keep my phone close but didn't receive much info the rest of the afternoon.

Evening came and I took the phone and the kids across the street to visit with my neighbors Jason and Misti.  While I was chatting with them the phone rang.  I left my kids there and went back to my house to talk to Jenn (my oldest sister.  getting a call from her meant that something was wrong)  

I answered and she proceeded to tell me that they found a few more masses on her neck and under her arm.  They concluded that it was some kind of cancer that had spread.  It wasn't lung cancer but it had spread to her lungs.  She was to go in tomorrow for a biopsy of the mass in her neck.

I sobbed.  I was hopeful but I sobbed.  Brett pulled up at that moment and I sobbed in his arms.  Jason and Misti kept the kids.  I talked to Brett and then stared out the window for what seemed like forever.

The table was set, dinner was on the stove (George's Spaghetti--a Dorius fav) but time stopped.  I always knew my mom would die early.  Her mom died at 69 and I thought that would most likely happen to my mom.  She was overweight for most of her life.  She had blood clots in her legs.  She just wasn't in the best health.  But I NEVER thought she'd have cancer.  I never thought she'd die at 59.  I stared out the window and thought to myself "what will my life be like with out her?, how will I go on?, what will happen?"  

And I must admit, I knew she would die and I knew it would be fast.  I don't know if the Lord was preparing me or what but I knew.  That is why this day was so hard.  I sat and watched the next few months pass by me and I knew what was about to happen.  

Sure I prayed to be wrong.  I prayed for a miracle.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  My mom was sure she'd get a miracle and I wanted to have that kind of faith.  She had so much faith.  I always admired that about her.  

I called my friend Kami to tell her that I wouldn't be going out with her that night.  Kami was my first best friend.  And we became friends because our moms were best friends.  Debbie is my mom's best friend.  I told Kami to inform Debbie and I cried a lot.  

Jenn had told me not to call my mom because she was a little distraught.  I wanted to call her.  Any other day I would have called her.  She was always the first person I called when something bad happened.  This was the first time I had to deal with a problem on my own.  I didn't like it one bit.  (and I still don't like it:(  )

So there you have it.  This is the day my life changed dramatically.  This is the day I woke up so grateful and happy and went to bed scared to death.  What a day....


15 comments:

Alyssa Hanzon said...

Wow. What a day that was. Big. Sad. Life-changing. I'm sorry.So very sorry. Maybe you could make today's date signify something different from now on. Go do something out of the ordinary, positive and memorable today. Maybe then, April 28th will be the date you did ("blank") instead of the date you found out your mom was sick. I had to do that for myself last year when a traumatic date rolled around for me and I was feeling sorrow about a loss I had. I did not want that date to carry such heavy weight in my heart. I did something else to make October 1st a more lighhearted and uplifting date for me. We will see if it works for me when that time rolls around this year. Who knows? Anyway, do something memorable today that can perhaps divert your sadness. Do something you have never done. Say something you have never said. Call someone you have never called. Go somewhere you have never gone. Wear something you have never worn. Whatever you do, make it memorable though. This date carries a big shadow and will require a huge effort if you are able to change your perception of it. I am thinking of you. And your mother is with you. I know it. AH

Dawn said...

Although last year, this day ended rather rotten, it began really nice.

Gratitude.

I have found in my recent conversations that I have said; "I wouldn't do this again, but I wouldn't trade it for the world."

After mom died, I remember saying that often. My heart was full and empty at the same time. Our family was so close and filled with the spirit. We were surrounded by angels keeping us positive and strong. Those positive feelings and that strength faded for a while - at least for me. I am very grateful I am able to say those words again. I hated the situation but was grateful for all it taught me and for the precious conversations and moments I had with my family and especially my mom.

Start the day AGAIN - with gratitude... but please don't repeat the part about sending trials...I'm way too tired. :)

Just a few short weeks!!!

Kristine said...

All of your memories are good to read. It is a good reminder that things can change at any time. I have felt so many times, like you, frustrated running after kids by myself (Rob is a workaholic and gone most of the time) and only focusing on the negative in the moment. That is probably a life lesson that will always stick with you, because of that last "real" day. Missing your mom must be so hard, I hope you feel some comfort from family when you get to go home :)

Brooke said...

I still vivdly remember the day we found out about my mom's mestasis and the day we found out about her brain tumors. It makes me tired just thinking about it. I'm still so sorry your family had to go through this too. It doesn't seem fair still, either. It's interesting that my mom was diagnosed within a week of when your mom was, just different years. I like to think that they are up there together watching us kids and laughing and talking and just loving us.

jenn said...

What a roller coaster that day was. I remember every detali and I can't help but relive all of those emotions. I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. This overwhelming sense of dread for the first time in my life. I wanted to believe so bad that it would all get better just like it always did. But I knew it wouldn't. There was a different feeling that day, and I knew my life would forever be changed. What a day that was. I love you and can't wait for you to come home. We miss you.

Kelli @ writing the waves said...

I remember that post and seeing the comments wondering what was going on. What an emotional roller coaster this past year has been for you and your family. We never quite know what a day will bring, do we? I really liked the post you later wrote about how each day with your mom was a gift. Trials like these just put a whole new perspective on life.

I'm thinking of you! :)

Kami said...

I so remember that day when you called me. You are going to be so glad that you have this day documented like this. Thanks for opening up with us all about a day that changed all your lives.

Debbie said...

I like remembering everything about Kathy, even the hard parts. I remember where I was when she called and unlike you, I didn't think she would die young. (Remember Daisy and Ethel??)
But ultimately she really left us with a lot of good that was HER. Thanks to you kids for your thoughts.

Brook said...

Oh Amanda I cannot even begin to know how this year has been so life changing for you and your family. You are a very strong person and your mom sounds amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. Miss you!

Liz said...

I appreciate you sharing this personal experience. When I read these I cry and then I walk away remembering to love everyone in my live a little bit more.

Ann said...

Amanda,
I too have thought of your Mom today. I miss her smile, her laugh and her words of wisdom. We both have gone through a hard year losing your Mom and my George. Life moves on, but you never forget how special people touch our lives and never leave our hearts. They will always be with us in this life and the next.
Reading about George's spagetti brought back some wonderful memories and of course the desire to go make some for dinner. I am glad it is a favorite of yours. It's a nice tribute to him.
Love,
Jillie Ann

Erica said...

What a beautiful angel you have watching over you and your small little family. I know that you miss her- how blessed we are to know that FAMILIES ARE FOREVER!!

Leslie said...

thank you for that. and thank you for your sweet comment and please tell your sister thank you as well.
i really appreciated your words here and your words on my blog.
those kinds of days seem to come too often... even one day like that seems too often. and of course, days like that... you remember every detail of the day... good and bad.
so sorry.

Misti said...

Amanda,

I can't believe it was just a year ago. It actually seems like forever ago. I am so sorry you had to go through this but you have come a long ways I admire you so much.
I don't have any words of wisdom for you other than I do know your mom is looking over you and being so proud of you and your family. You guys are just the greatest.

I can't wait to see you hopefully I will be able to sit and walk longer so we can so something fun.

Staci said...

It is so weird how a day can turn from an ordinary day to life changing in a matter of hours. Your post was very heart felt. Thanks for sharing such a personal experience, it helps put things into perspective!