A few weeks before my mom passed away I heard this song on the radio (the one I put on my sidebar). I loved it because it made me grateful I had my mom "today". I tried and tried to find it because my mom loved Josh Groban and I wanted my dad to hear it. Well the radio never told me who sang it or what it was called until yesterday. I finally found it.
All the feelings of the panic of losing my mom came flooding back. I listened to it over and over and over again. Probably not the best idea since I cried most of the day. But I think crying that hard helps me heal.
I really never thought that losing my mom would hurt so bad. There are days I miss her so much. Other days my heart breaks for my dad who misses her so much. I just wish I could call her. I want to hear her voice. She always had a way of calming me down. I haven't found anyone who does that for me but her.
The thought of moving to Indianapolis puts my stomach in knots and I know my mom would make me feel better about the whole situation. When Jane pushes me to my limit I used to call my mom and ask her what to do with her and she'd remind me how special she is and to have patience with her.
I just can't seem to pull out of the slump. My house is a disaster, laundry gets done when we have literally run out of clothes, and dinner is thrown together at the last minute. Yesterday I went to the store in the morning and told the kids I'd just bring donuts home for breakfast. Jane responded, "Don't we need to eat something healthy first?"
I will get through this so don't come do my laundry or clean my house I just need to vent. This is hard. I won't lie. Part of me is missing and I don't quite know how to pick up the pieces. I miss her so much.
I read a book that my friend, Staci sent me called The Message. It really helped me. It made me realize that my mom is not far away. Also that when I pray for peace, the Lord sends my mom at times to help me. In a way I feel that when I do feel calm, it is my mom that is there.
I am grateful for that knowledge. I just can't wait to see her again.