Sunday, August 24, 2008

Miss You Mom


A few weeks before my mom passed away I heard this song on the radio (the one I put on my sidebar).  I loved it because it made me grateful I had my mom "today".  I tried and tried to find it because my mom loved Josh Groban and I wanted my dad to hear it.  Well the radio never told me who sang it or what it was called until yesterday.  I finally found it.
All the feelings of the panic of losing my mom came flooding back.  I listened to it over and over and over again.  Probably not the best idea since I cried most of the day.  But I think crying that hard helps me heal.  
I really never thought that losing my mom would hurt so bad.  There are days I miss her so much.  Other days my heart breaks for my dad who misses her so much.  I just wish I could call her.  I want to hear her voice.  She always had a way of calming me down.  I haven't found anyone who does that for me but her.
The thought of moving to Indianapolis puts my stomach in knots and I know my mom would make me feel better about the whole situation.  When Jane pushes me to my limit I used to call my mom and ask her what to do with her and she'd remind me how special she is and to have patience with her.  
I just can't seem to pull out of the slump.  My house is a disaster, laundry gets done when we have literally run out of clothes, and dinner is thrown together at the last minute.  Yesterday I went to the store in the morning and told the kids I'd just bring donuts home for breakfast.  Jane responded, "Don't we need to eat something healthy first?"
I will get through this so don't come do my laundry or clean my house I just need to vent.  This is hard.  I won't lie.  Part of me is missing and I don't quite know how to pick up the pieces.  I miss her so much.
I read a book that my friend, Staci sent me called The Message. It really helped me.  It made me realize that my mom is not far away.  Also that when I pray for peace, the Lord sends my mom at times to help me.  In a way I feel that when I do feel calm, it is my mom that is there.
I am grateful for that knowledge.  I just can't wait to see her again.

11 comments:

Dawn said...

I miss her.

I am so glad you found the song. It is perfect. I am so grateful we had those few months to MEMORIZE her and fill our hearts as full as possible with the hope that it will get us through the next 20, 30, 40 years.

I miss you Mom and love you.

Heather @ A Boy, A Girl, A Pug said...

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I can't even imagine.

What a wonderful song. I love Josh Groban.

amy said...

Amanda-

As I read your post I am crying because that is how I feel. There are days when I feel like I forgotten to put on my watch or deodorant or something else and I know I didn't but then I realize what I am missing is I haven't talked to my mom. A mom takes the place of all others but whose place no one else can take. You just have to have those days where you cry so hard that it hurts and then remember that she is watching you and proud of you and that someday you will see her again. Call me if you ever need to cry I have lots of tissues!

Staci said...

I am so glad you had the opportunity to read that book, it just made sense to me. Thank you for the card. Thanks for your post too, I think it's more than healthy to vent!

Kami said...

I too am glad that you are venting. Anything to get through this hard time. I can't imagine how it feels. I would love to help if I can.

estanworth said...

I think it is ok to miss your mom and to cry. It is part of the healing process. Do something every day to remember your mom- listen to her favorite song, eat her favorite food, etc. And just hug and kiss your kids for her. She is close and you can talk to her any time you want, it's just hard that she doesn't talk back. Keep close to the spirit so that you can feel her when she is near. Love you- stay strong!

The Gatherum Family said...

I am so sorry Amanda. I know there is nothing I can say that will help. I hope you know I am here for you anytime. I am just so sorry that you are having to go through this. I don't know of anything worse-it's awful. Lots of love, thoughts and prayers.

Love,
Adrian

Logan and Ashley said...

I love that you could vent to all of your blogging friends. This is sometimes the best way to let it all out! I love that you listened to that song over and over and cried. It is a good thing to cry out all the hurt and pain. Some day it will lessen I am sure, but for right now it has got to be so hard! Hang in there, your family and friends stand by your side!! Love ya!

Marti said...

Mand, I just want you to know how much I love you and how much I think about you. It seems so inadiquite to say that, because it probably does not help you and I wish I could do something to help. I guess it is something that no one can take away or make better. Just know that I pray for you. We should all go to dinner or a movie sometime and "get away" from it all. Heaven knows I need a break!!!

Kelli said...

I'm sorry it was such a hard day, but I'm glad you found the song.

If you ever want to call and vent, I'm here...anytime.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I stumbled on this blog from another, and I didn't realize who you were at first, but it had me crying here at work. Then pages later I realized that I knew you.

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