Monday, July 21, 2008

Random Ramblings and My Sunday

Well people ask me almost every day how my mom is doing. I don't really know how to answer this question. She's still alive but she's dying. That sums it up.
She has been telling us that she is ready to go. She's tired of fighting this awful disease. She's exhausted, worn out, and tired. I wish I could say that I'm ready to let her go but I'm not. Then again I don't know if I'll ever be ready to say good-bye to my mom. No matter how old you are, your mom is your mom and I need my mom.

Today's lesson in Relief Society was on death. I knew it would be because I teach Relief Society out of the Joseph Smith manual. I was glad it wasn't my week to teach. I couldn't have done that yet. But I really have a strong testimony of life after death. I know I will see my mom again, but I'll miss her. I know she'll be happy, but there will be days that I won't. I have heard that the dead are among us daily, but I won't be able to see her. I don't know if I'll even be able to feel her. That void will be felt daily. My life is about to change dramatically. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I'm grateful for the knowledge that I have. I am grateful that my parents were married in the temple and that I was married in the temple. I'm grateful for eternal families.


Today we gathered again as a family to celebrate Adam's and Aly's birthday. My little Aly is going to be one on Saturday. Wow! Where has the time gone? July has sneaked up on me. I was looking forward to July. I had a goal of running that 10k race and losing weight by Aly's birthday and now I don't even care. There are more important things in life than that. I'm registered to run (with a little encouragement from my friends:) but if I don't make it, oh well!

My mom got Aly a church book with her testimony written in it. My mom has a huge tumor in her right hand so it is very difficult for her to write. She wrote in this book and I will always cherish it. She also got her the "Grandma" Willow Tree figurine. Things like this make me grateful for the time that we have to prepare. She usually would get Aly a gift that she might need or something I would want her to have, but now they are special. Things I will always treasure.



I will be okay.  I have been raised well and my mom taught me to be strong.  I will continue to raise my children the way my wonderful mom raised me.  I will take care of my dad.  I will take care of my brothers.  I will lean on my sisters.  And I will be more in tune each and everyday so that I will never miss a visit from my mom.  She promised she would let me know that she is there and I will hold her to that promise.  
I love you mom!!

14 comments:

The Gatherum Family said...

I am crying while I read this. I think you nailed everything on the head and you write it so beautifully. My mom passed away 5 days after Boe's first birthday. I was so upset that he wouldn't remember her, he doesn't technically, but we talk about her all the time and he knows her and loves her-I miss my mom so much. I know she is among us, but you are right, she isn't with us and it makes it such a sad lonely void that is impossible to fill. As I have read your blog and JOsh's blog, I feel that i have gotten to know your family and as weird as it sounds, I feel so much love for all of you. Please know that I am sending that your way, along with a lot of prayers and hope and peace and comfort. I wish there was something I could do...

Jenna said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. You and your family are always in my prayers. I am glad your mom got to celebrate Aly's 1st birthday with her and you. That will always be a special memory.

UT Halls said...

You always manage to up lift me and to teach me.
Manda, I am so thankful for you. I really mean that. Thank you for helping me so much this past week.
I told you yesterday that I feel - numb - nothing. I prayed last night, and begged to "feel" again. I read your words and couldn't stop my tears. It is the first time in a while that I have actually felt something.
Pure Joy and Complete Sadness.
I will try to be there for you as you are there for me. We can do this. We have no choice. Our choice, really, is how we do this. We will do it the way Mom wants us to do it, with each other.
I love you.

Samantha said...

Now that I am crying, I have a challenge for you. But first, a story- My sister Amanda has a friend who lost his dad when he was in high school. It was so sad to see this young man suffer. A couple of years ago, Jonathan and I were helping out in the baptistry at the Mesa Temple. This young man was there with his ward. I saw him come into the hall and he was crying. The bishop quickly put his arm around this young man and asked him what was wrong. He said, "I feel my dad here." Amanda, I have not lost my mother but I have lost my grandmother and I know that you can feel your mother with you in the temple. She will be there daily with you, but don't forget to go to the temple. The veil is so thin there. I have felt my grandmother's presence and I konw that you will be with your mother there as well. Don't forget to go to the temple. You are a faithful woman, Amanda.
Give Aly Joy a squeeze. She is so adorable. I hope you have a wonderful week.

kassidyspiers said...

Wow, let me get a tissue first! Ok, that was amazing! I cannot imagine the thoughts you must be thinking right now. Do me a favor a read the poem Footprints, I know Heavenly Father carries us when we need to be carried. You will look back at this time in your life someday and only see one set of footprints in the sand! He WILL get you and your family through this, and I know you will be with your cute Mom again! It doesn't make it any easier right know I am sure! I cannot imagine how you must feel. I check your blog first thing every morning to check on your mom, it puts my day in perspective. For that I thank you! Life is so precious! One blessing in your situation, is that nothing will be left undone! I pray for you always! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with everyone who reads!
Love Kassidy

Debbie said...

You continue to surprise us, Amanda. This is undoubtedly the hardest time in the lives of you and your whole family and the grace you are showing is great. Many prayers are going out to your family that you can feel peace and be strong. You know our whole family is here to help also. Much love.

Brooke said...

Well, first of all, Happy Birthday Aly and Adam! My mom died 3 months after Parker turned 1. One my greatest joys is that she lived to see her only grandchild have his first birthday. You will be ok. You are one incredible lady. I had hoped to give you any comfort and help that I could by reading your blog and commenting, but I feel like you have helped me with your thoughts and insights. Thank you so much for that. I can tell from personal experience that your mom will be there when you need her. Not always when you want her (because that would be all the time) but she will be there. It's still harder than I can explain but I know that you will be given the strength that you need to keep on going. Parker has a very special bond with my mom. He doesn't remember her, but somehow he knows her and loves her. I have had some very special experiences with my mom through him. So often I feel her watching her grandkids and smiling. Your family has been and I know will be such a strength. My sister is my best friend and my favorite person. She and I take care of eachother now and it helps to fill a tiny part of the void that my mom left. I couldn't do this without her. You and your family have such a special place in my heart. Please know that I will be there in any way I can. Lots of hugs!
Brooke

Ann said...

Amanda,
Your mother will never leave you. She will always be in your mind, your thoughts, soul and heart.....and there will be those very special moments when she will visit you in your dreams, or you will sense or smell her near you. Those are the moments I treasure, when my Mom, your Great Aunt Jill comes and visits me. She will always be near you, watching you grow and teaching your children the beautiful lessons that Kathy has taught you.
See you soon,
Jillie Ann

Kami said...

Tears. I just think it is so sad that you all have to go through this. You have stayed so strong. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with all of us. I am so thankful that your parents had six kids that you can all be supportive to each other. Thanks for reminding us all how precious our loved ones are.

Marti said...

One thing that I know for sure is that our loved ones stay close! Every major event in my life I have felt my grandma telling me she is there and giving me a hug! She was like my second mother. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish she were here to see my children grow up and to know Nic, but maybe somehow she is better able to help me from the other side. My grandpa, who I was also very close with had cancer and pasted away a couple of months before the babies were born. I asked him if he and my grandma would come and be there with them as they were born, and I know they were there. Your mom will stay close and be there, even at times you may not feel. It's is not the same as them being alive, but it's gives you some comfort knowing you will stilll be able to feel them...in the most real way and beautiful way!

Tina said...

You're such a strong individual! It's great that you're able to take full advantage of the time you have left with your mom!

Jen said...

Amanda, I think about you all the time. I can't imagine what you are going through and it really puts life in perspective for me. It has made me want to spend more quality time with my mom (and Dad) and make sure that every moment is a good moment because you don't know how many moments are left. Seriously, it breaks my heart that you have to go through this!! You really do have so much strength. It is amazing to see. As sad as it is I think it is wonderful that your Mom is taking the time to write those letters to you & the kids. Seriously, that is so precious and I think that we should all do that with those we love because you never know. Luckily (if there is such a thing in this case) you have time to prepare and make sure that your mom knows & feels all the love you have. That is a gift. You are in my prayers.

Kelli said...

What special gifts for Aly. Wow! I can't believe she is already year old. Happy 1st b'day, sweetheart!

I know you must be on emotion overload with all that is going on. I'm grateful you've had time to prepare too. I know it's been heartbreaking, but it's been special too. Like you said before, each day is a gift. All of your posts and pictures really show how much your family has cherished each moment with your mom. What a wonderful family to spend forever with...

Kara said...

Hey Amanda! We are all behind you and love you tons. "Livestrong"

Karalee