Three Years

My mom passed away on July 27th, 2008. This past week marked 3 years. Wow!! Sometimes I feel like the time has crawled by while other times it seems to have gone fast. Either way, I miss her daily but I too am grateful for her daily for all she taught me in the 30 years I was lucky enough to learn from her. She was an amazing woman!!

We sent balloons to heaven. Aly kissed her with lipstick, Tobe wrote his own this year, Jane's is always sweet and heartfelt, and Brett's expresses his appreciation for me. I love reading all of them and I know my mom did too:)

Sending Balloons to Heaven!!

July 27th we celebrate the day my Mom went to heaven. We have begun the tradition of sending notes to her on balloons. The kids really like this. Jane pulled out a bunch of pictures of Grandma. She drew a red tulip on her card because that was Grandma's favorite. Aly wanted us to write: "I Lub Lou Grama Kaffy". Tobe signed his name (grandma would be so proud).

It is important to me that my kids know my mom. She loved them. She was good to them. She was such a good person and a good example. I wish they had her example to follow as they grow up and make decisions. It is up to me to teach them.

Love You and Miss You!!!

Outrun The Sun

In honor of my mom and Grandma Kathy we participated in the Outrun The Sun race against Melanoma. Brett and I ran it last year and really enjoyed it so we decided to do it again. This year some of my friends came to support me. I am so grateful to them for supporting me in something that means so much.

jane-me-brett-morgen-lauren-nedra-lyndee-kelsey

Our "Melanoma Hero"

Jane also ran this year. She and I ran the 1 mile race with a goal to run the whole thing and we did it. We also won the 1 mile category being the first ones to cross the finish line. Even though it's "not about winning, it's about having fun" Jane thought it was pretty cool that we won;)

Brett actually won the 5k race. He was the first one to cross the finish line.

Nedra and her daughter Lauren ran together.

I love doing this race. It is so fun to participate in something that has directly touched my life. Jane kept saying that Grandma Kathy was watching over us tonight as we ran, and I'd like to think she was:)

Happy Mothers Day

They are the ones who make me a mother:

They make me feel special:

He is the one who spoils me:

and she is the one who taught me how to be a mother

Today I am Grateful for them All!!

Happy Mother's Day!!

My New "Tree" Skirt

Last Sunday my dad divided all of my mom's old Christmas decorations among us 6 kids. It was hard for me to remember over the phone what was being given. The one thing that I did remember was her Tree Skirt. I remember many nights laying by the Christmas Tree admiring ALL my presents and looking at this homemade Tree Skirt. I would try to count all the candy canes, christmas trees, gingerbread men, snowmen, etc. etc. that was in the pattern. Weird--I know!! But when I heard that it was in the pile, I had to have it. My sister sent it out right away (along with the rest of my loot) and Jane hasn't put it down since. She wears it as a dance skirt. I keep telling her to be real careful because it is special to me. I hope someday it is just as special to her.

There is nothing sweeter than 2 little girls dancing and twirling to Christmas music. And this tree skirt really twirls:)

I Miss My Mom When......

For the most part I am doing okay. My mom taught me to be strong. She taught me to have unwavering faith (which I rely on everyday). She taught me that life isn't always fair. So 90% of the time I carry on with my head held high. But there are those times.

I Miss My Mom When.....

-I put my kids to bed

-my brother finds out he's having twins:)

-it's Sunday

-I see or talk to her friends

-I hear "Awake" by Josh Groban

-I hear any Josh Groban song

-I'm homesick

-it's my birthday

-it's her birthday

-I have a funny story to tell

-my kids succeed

-my kids don't succeed

-I need someone other than myself to love my kids

-my brother calls and needs motherly advice and I fall short

-I need motherly advice

-When I Am Alone

...which isn't very often but Brett is gone, my kids are asleep, and I am alone tonight and these are the times I miss her the most.

One Year

One year ago today I got a call at 5:22 am from my dad. He was crying and all he said was, "She's Gone!!" I knew the phone call was coming but the reality of it still gives me a pit in my stomach.

I raced over to say one last and final good-bye to my sweet mom. It was a surreal morning. The silence was eerie and the spirit that filled that house was gone. My mom was gone.

Somedays it feels like forever since I have talked to her. I used to talk to her everyday so 365 days of wanting to pick up the phone seems like forever.

I was so blessed to have such a great mom. I miss her everyday and cannot wait til we are reunited again. I know that day will come and hopefully with an explanation of why this all had to happen. I'm still holding out for that day.

Love you Mom!!!

It Wasn't So Bad Because I Am So Lucky

I had a great Mother's Day because I am lucky enough...

-to have friends and acquaintance who care about me and who thought of me

-to have wonderful family who did the same

-to have great "Indiana" family who kept me busy and gave me a break from cooking:)

-to go to church and be sung to (I made it through all the songs except "Grandmother")

-to have beautiful sunny weather allowing a quick nap out on a blanket with Brett

-to have Brett.  He always makes Mother's Day so special.

-to have 3 beautiful, busy, loving children who make me a mother from the early AM wake up call at 6:30 (that darn Tobe needs to learn to sleep in), to the fits and tantrums as we left the Smith's house--I Am A Mother!!

-to have been raised by the BEST

and last of all...

-BECAUSE I GET TO GO TO UTAH IN 3 DAYS!!!!!!!!

Honoring a Wonderful Mother

Mom on Mother's Day 2008

There really are no words to honor my mother.  But I couldn't let this day pass me by.  I have been dreading Mother's Day but it is coming and there is nothing I can do but thank my Heavenly Father for blessing me with a wonderful mother.

For the last year I have tried to describe my mother.  I think I feel I need to explain why losing her is such a big deal.  No one really understands unless they knew her.  To those of you who didn't know her let me tell you about her.

Excerpt from her journal:

Saturday, March 1, 1986

Earl and I went to Pagodas and then to study group at Paul and Vera’s.  We talked about kids and drugs.  I don’t worry about my kids trying drugs.  We talk a lot.  I like that.  I trust the kids.

She trusted us.  That is why I never wanted to do anything that would disappoint her.

Questions we asked Mom on June 30, 2008

What are your most deeply and embedded values?

The Gospel

What is your personal secret of happiness?

Worry about others before yourself.

What is your favorite scripture?

3 John 1:4  “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth”

 

What is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to you and the worst?

Each of my kids were the most wonderful – you know that.

Cancer is the worst.

One word on how to live successfully.

Unselfish

What would you like to be remembered for?

That I loved my kids, I was generous, and my family

 

What is your greatest joy and your greatest sorrow?

Joy? My family.

Sorrow? Dying too early and leaving them.  Not seeing Adam get married, Josh be a dad...(tears)

Why she was a good mother:

-she never got mad

-she gave us jobs everyday after school (I hated it then, I appreciate it now:)

-she made me feel like I was her favorite

-she never sweated the small stuff

-she trusted me

-she accepted me how I was.  she never tried to mold me or change me

-she made me feel like what I had to say was important, always validating my feelings

-she "fixed" everything

-she was funny; every time we remember her, we end up laughing

-she was smart

-she was generous

-she was kind

-she loved my dad

-she loved her children

-she loved me

What is your child rearing philosophy?

Be their Best friend.

You were the best mom. You were my best friend.

 

I love you Mom--Happy Mother's Day!!!

The Day--April 28, 2008

I'm not sure what to call this day.  It wasn't the worst day of my life but it was the beginning of the bad ones.  It was the end to my happy lazy comfortable life.  The last day I remember feeling great.  I long to feel great again.

I woke up at 6 am to go running with my friends.  I finished the run, walked Kadee home and was walking toward my house when I had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude come over me.  It was Spring, it was a beautiful morning.  I was finally settled in a neighborhood that I loved.  And that even sounds like an understatement.  I was finally settled.  (after 9 moves this was huge)  I had lost the weight that I had set out to lose.  I had just run 3 miles.  I had 3 beautiful children and a great husband sleeping at home.  I was so blessed.  

I remember praying out loud and thanking my Heavenly Father for all he had blessed me with.  I began to cry and I even said, "Don't give me a trial yet.  My life is so wonderful right now.  I am so blessed."  (note to self...NEVER say that again)

I got home and went about my day as usual.  I blogged an unusual blog for what was about to happen.  I tidied my house.  I got my kids ready for the day, etc., etc..  

At 10 am I got a phone call from Dawn.  Apparently I had missed a few of her phone calls because she asked me where I had been.  Dawn was filling in for my mom at Aspen Ridge Dental (my mom worked for my sister Dawn's husband at their dental practice) because my mom had finally gone to the doctor to see what was the problem.  

My mom woke up and was making her bed when she finally gave in, asked my dad for a Priesthood blessing and then asked him to take her to Insta Care.  

By the time Dawn had called me my mom had already had x-rays taken of her chest revealing all the masses.  Insta Care told her it was probably pnemonia  but sent her to the hospital to be sure.  I was relieved that it was just pnemonia and went about my day.  I did keep my phone close but didn't receive much info the rest of the afternoon.

Evening came and I took the phone and the kids across the street to visit with my neighbors Jason and Misti.  While I was chatting with them the phone rang.  I left my kids there and went back to my house to talk to Jenn (my oldest sister.  getting a call from her meant that something was wrong)  

I answered and she proceeded to tell me that they found a few more masses on her neck and under her arm.  They concluded that it was some kind of cancer that had spread.  It wasn't lung cancer but it had spread to her lungs.  She was to go in tomorrow for a biopsy of the mass in her neck.

I sobbed.  I was hopeful but I sobbed.  Brett pulled up at that moment and I sobbed in his arms.  Jason and Misti kept the kids.  I talked to Brett and then stared out the window for what seemed like forever.

The table was set, dinner was on the stove (George's Spaghetti--a Dorius fav) but time stopped.  I always knew my mom would die early.  Her mom died at 69 and I thought that would most likely happen to my mom.  She was overweight for most of her life.  She had blood clots in her legs.  She just wasn't in the best health.  But I NEVER thought she'd have cancer.  I never thought she'd die at 59.  I stared out the window and thought to myself "what will my life be like with out her?, how will I go on?, what will happen?"  

And I must admit, I knew she would die and I knew it would be fast.  I don't know if the Lord was preparing me or what but I knew.  That is why this day was so hard.  I sat and watched the next few months pass by me and I knew what was about to happen.  

Sure I prayed to be wrong.  I prayed for a miracle.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  My mom was sure she'd get a miracle and I wanted to have that kind of faith.  She had so much faith.  I always admired that about her.  

I called my friend Kami to tell her that I wouldn't be going out with her that night.  Kami was my first best friend.  And we became friends because our moms were best friends.  Debbie is my mom's best friend.  I told Kami to inform Debbie and I cried a lot.  

Jenn had told me not to call my mom because she was a little distraught.  I wanted to call her.  Any other day I would have called her.  She was always the first person I called when something bad happened.  This was the first time I had to deal with a problem on my own.  I didn't like it one bit.  (and I still don't like it:(  )

So there you have it.  This is the day my life changed dramatically.  This is the day I woke up so grateful and happy and went to bed scared to death.  What a day....

The Last "Real" Day

This day one year ago was the last normal day with my mom as my mom.  Not my mom with cancer, or my dying mom.  Just mom doing what she normally does--taking care of us kids and all that comes with that.

I had taken up running last year and had my first 5k race on Saturday April 26, 2008.  I had looked forward to this day for a while now and was very excited.  I had lost 40 pounds and had trained pretty hard to be able to run 3 miles.  (That is huge for me:) 

Brett had a last minute work trip to Wendover and wasn't able to be there.  I woke up, took my kids to a friend's house and went to run the race with my good friends Misti, Jenna, and Jen.  

I came in last place out of my friends and didn't have anyone there to greet me.  Yes I had my friends and their families were there but I will admit I was a little bummed that I had no one to meet me at the finish line.  It was such a huge accomplishment for me and all I had worked for and I celebrated alone.  Oh well!!  I'm a big girl.

I had a ton planned for this day so I rushed to get my kids, get them ready, and get Jane to a birthday party.  She could only stay for 1 hour because we had my niece's and nephew's play to attend and my mom had set up a babysitter at her house for Aly and Tobe.  She kept calling and asking where I was.  I was stressed and mad that I was handling this busy day on my own (in other words I was mad at Brett:)

 My mom entertained the babysitter as I was on my way.  I got there dropped the little ones off and raced to get to the Draper City Theater to watch the play.  I sat by my mom.  She seemed just fine.  My whole family was there.  Again, that is what we did.  We supported one another.  Even if it was difficult.  

 

Kamryn 

 

Tanner and Jane

Jane and Jessica after the play

After the play we gathered at my mom's house to celebrate Tanner's (my nephew) birthday and to bid Adam (my brother) farewell.  He was to leave for Peru the next morning for a 2 1/2 month internship...if only we had known)

Brett met us there on his way home from Wendover.  The party was as usual.  I was busy chasing after my kids.  My family watched and helped in sympathy as they always did.  In fact at one time Aly and Tobe were both poopy and my sweet sister-in-law Megan helped me change their diapers.  Brett slept through the whole party.  I was mad.  

Some of my family remembers my mom being tired and worn out.  I on the other hand remember juggling 3 kids by myself.  I wish I remembered more.  I wish I had spent the whole day with my mom.  Memorizing her.  

In my anger I packed up, gathered the kids, and left.  As I was leaving my mom humored me and said, "Hey Manda...don't go away mad:)"  in her joking yet understanding way.  She knew I had a lot on my plate and she knew I needed more from Brett.  She was my shoulder to cry on when I was frustrated.  She was the one person who put it all in perspective and taught me how to get through the tough times.  Oh how I miss her!!

I left and Brett followed.  That was the last normal day I had with my mom and I left mad.  I left without even saying good bye to Adam (or anyone else for that matter).  

I wish I could go back to this day.  I don't know what I would have done differently but I wish I could do it all over again.  Maybe I would have been more helpful to my mom instead of being in my own "feel sorry for me" world.  Maybe I wouldn't  change a thing but I would love to be there again.  In my mom's house, in my mom's presence.  That is a comfortable place to be. 

One Year Ago...

We are coming up on one year since my mom was diagnosed with cancer.  I find myself wondering what I was doing one year ago, when life was normal;  when my life was familiar and comfortable.  From the minute my mom was diagnosed, my world turned upside down.  

When she died I thought to myself, "I'll see her again soon.  It's just like she's on a little vacation."  Well as the days go by I am realizing that "soon" is a really long time.  As time passes, she is becoming farther and farther from me.  

I don't want to forget her.  I don't want to ever be okay that she is gone.  I don't want my kids to forget her even though they will.  I want to always have very clear memories that I can share with them.

I am going to try to record the last memories I had of her so that I won't forget.  

One year ago on April 19, 2008 (saturday) my brother Adam had a benefit concert to make money for his upcoming internship in Peru.  We all wanted to support him as a family and attend his concert.  Brett couldn't make it because he had something for work.  I got a babysitter and my mom invited me to drive with her and my dad.  I met them at their house in Draper and we loaded in the Lexus to meet my sisters and their husbands at the Thaiphoon Restaurant at Gateway.

When we arrived at Gateway my mom asked my dad to drop us off at the front because she was so out of breath lately.  I didn't think much of it.  We took the escalator instead of the stairs because she knew she wouldn't be able to make it up the stairs.  Again, I thought to myself, "She needs to get in shape.  She is always so out of breath."

We had a nice dinner.  My mom had whispered that I'd be paying for myself, which I didn't mind because my mom would ALWAYS try to pay for me on the sly.  This time she allowed me to pay for myself.  I ordered something with the dried red peppers in it because I bit into one and it burned my lips like crazy.  I couldn't finish my dinner.  My mouth was on fire.  My mom kept telling me to drink water.  Or put ice on it.  She felt bad.  It was ok.

After dinner Dawn, Aaron, Jenn, Scott, and I decided to walk over to the Addicted Cafe instead of drive.  It was a nice night and we had all eaten too much.  Mom needed to drive over.  We met them there.

We sat and had a very enjoyable time.  Mom seemed fine.  We were all out of our element because we were amongst local musicians and a few strange people.  But Mom was proud of Adam and that is what our family does; we support each other no matter what.

 

I wish I could get this picture bigger.  It is a great picture of mom.  That's my mom how I will always remember her.

We had no idea what was about to hit our family.  Maybe Mom did in the back of her mind, but the rest of us were happy and content. 

Pulling It Together

My mom always taught me to "buck up", "shut up and like it", "be strong", and to "do something out of the ordinary" when I get down.  She would always hear me out, validate my feelings, but then pat me on the bum and tell me to go get 'em (so to speak).  I kinda knew in the back of her mind she was rolling her eyes knowing in her wisdom that "this too shall pass" but she always made me feel that what I was feeling was important.

I need her now!!!

I've lost my groove.  I am in a funk (I keep telling my husband).  He asked me if I thought I needed to see a counselor just to help me grieve but I replied, "I just need my mom."  And I don't think my mom would allow me to see a counselor.  She never thought that stuff was necessary.  We are too strong on our own.  She taught me to be strong.

So here is my own personal counseling session.  Read at your own risk and don't feel like you need to fix me.  Just listen:)

I've lost my desire:

-to blog

-to run

-to go outside and enjoy the sunshine

-to get up and ready in the morning

-to be social

-to pray

-to enjoy my kiddos

I miss:

-my sisters

-my brothers

-my mom

-my house in Lehi

-my friends in Lehi

-my friends in Utah

-running

-my desires for all of the above

-my life

Too much change:

April 28-mom diagnosed with cancer

July 27-mom dies

August 4-we are given an offer to move to Indiana

October 17- Brett moves to Indiana

October 24-we sell our house in Utah (I LOVED that house)

December 1-the kids and I move to Indiana

December thru March- Indiana=change

March 13-my dad gets engaged (yep, I finally said it.  He's engaged!!)

My blessings:

*A Job-we actually have a job that pays us pretty well.  Brett loves his job.  He is very successful at his job.

*Our house-it really is beautiful.  It's not home yet but it will get there.

*My friends-I have been taken in by many good people out here.    

*Brett-he has been so wonderful throughout this whole change.  He supports me, helps me, loves me.  Our marriage has been truly strengthened being out here on our own.

*My kids-they are a challenge but I am blessed to have them.  They put up with me, they forgive me, and they love me.

I really am blessed so at times I wonder why this is so hard for me.  I need to pull it together for my kids sake, for Brett's sake, and most importantly for my sake.  I am trying.  

Be patient with me.  Especially those of you here in Indiana who don't know me (this isn't me).

I want:

-to enjoy this great opportunity

-to be a good example to those around me

-to enjoy running again

-to feel okay to take care of me

-to feel my mom around me

-to be the kind of mom my mom was to me

-to serve others

-to be happy

I'll get there.....

Sending Our Love to Heaven

To celebrate my mom's birthday we decided to start a tradition of sending our thoughts to heaven.  Normally Brett just humors me with my crazy ideas but this one, I could tell, was special to him.  My mom was special to all of us.  It was very therapeutic to write down my feelings and actually feel like my mom would somehow get them.  Jane and Tobe believed and so did I. 

 

Brett later took me out.  We met up with some friends to celebrate Beth's birthday and then Brett and I went to dinner just the 2 of us.  

A friend of mine had told me that certain holidays and birthdays (mine and my mom's) would be difficult.  I think the reason it was so difficult is because the day comes and the void is noticed.  There is no one here to celebrate.  I loved sending the balloons to heaven because it actually felt like we had the chance to wish her a Happy Birthday and she knew it:)

We Celebrated You Mom!!  

Happy Birthday!!