Friday, March 20, 2009

Pulling It Together

My mom always taught me to "buck up", "shut up and like it", "be strong", and to "do something out of the ordinary" when I get down.  She would always hear me out, validate my feelings, but then pat me on the bum and tell me to go get 'em (so to speak).  I kinda knew in the back of her mind she was rolling her eyes knowing in her wisdom that "this too shall pass" but she always made me feel that what I was feeling was important.

I need her now!!!

I've lost my groove.  I am in a funk (I keep telling my husband).  He asked me if I thought I needed to see a counselor just to help me grieve but I replied, "I just need my mom."  And I don't think my mom would allow me to see a counselor.  She never thought that stuff was necessary.  We are too strong on our own.  She taught me to be strong.

So here is my own personal counseling session.  Read at your own risk and don't feel like you need to fix me.  Just listen:)

I've lost my desire:
-to blog
-to run
-to go outside and enjoy the sunshine
-to get up and ready in the morning
-to be social
-to pray
-to enjoy my kiddos

I miss:
-my sisters
-my brothers
-my mom
-my house in Lehi
-my friends in Lehi
-my friends in Utah
-my desires for all of the above
-my life

Too much change:
April 28-mom diagnosed with cancer
July 27-mom dies
August 4-we are given an offer to move to Indiana
October 17- Brett moves to Indiana
October 24-we sell our house in Utah (I LOVED that house)
December 1-the kids and I move to Indiana
December thru March- Indiana=change
March 13-my dad gets engaged (yep, I finally said it.  He's engaged!!)

My blessings:
*A Job-we actually have a job that pays us pretty well.  Brett loves his job.  He is very successful at his job.
*Our house-it really is beautiful.  It's not home yet but it will get there.
*My friends-I have been taken in by many good people out here.    
*Brett-he has been so wonderful throughout this whole change.  He supports me, helps me, loves me.  Our marriage has been truly strengthened being out here on our own.
*My kids-they are a challenge but I am blessed to have them.  They put up with me, they forgive me, and they love me.

I really am blessed so at times I wonder why this is so hard for me.  I need to pull it together for my kids sake, for Brett's sake, and most importantly for my sake.  I am trying.  
Be patient with me.  Especially those of you here in Indiana who don't know me (this isn't me).

I want:
-to enjoy this great opportunity
-to be a good example to those around me
-to enjoy running again
-to feel okay to take care of me
-to feel my mom around me
-to be the kind of mom my mom was to me
-to serve others
-to be happy

I'll get there.....


Brooke said...

This could have been my post in so many ways. I wish I knew what to tell you. I wish I knew what to tell myself. I think that everything feels harder when you know that you can never go "home" again. If that makes sense. You have had so much going on, of course you are going to feel overwhelmed. Maybe so overwhelmed that it's hard to do anything. Just keep writing about it and talking about it. It's so much easier for me when I get it out of my head. I read, "The Christmas Sweater" by Glen Beck a few months ago and it was really cathartic for me. It's such a good book, especially for those people who have lost someone close to them. I also liked "Motherless Daughters" and Motherless Mothers". Just know that you are not alone in your grief and your struggles. If you ever want to talk, please get in touch with me. I think about you and your family so much. Many hugs.

Jenna said...

I had the strongest feeling to call you this morning, before I read your blog, but I was almost home so I was going to wait til then....I miss you, you have been on my mind lately. You have been through a lot in the last little bit, but I know you and how strong you are. You will get through this and in the mean time rely on your family and friends that love you! I'm going to call you...P.S. If you find that "desire" to run can you send it my way?

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry you're struggling. Life sucks sometimes, and I think your Mom did have the perfect philosophy. I feel so alone at times here too. But I promise you will get feeling better. I go through ruts and then times of complete happiness. I always think, that if this was different I would be happy, or if this thing changed, I would be in a better mood. I've come to the slow realization that I have to make each day the best. If I'm not happy today, what's going to change tomorrow. Get out and do what makes you happy. Good Luck to you.

Lee said...

Oh Amanda I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. You have had so much change in the past year.. and I cannot imagine. I have been sitting here feeling sorry for myself not seeing my Mom today on her birthday. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better. I like the you I know.. so the real me is going to be even better. Let me help you. ((hugs))

Dawn said...

Hang in there!!

It is "buns" not bum.

Cry and get it out - then buck up and be strong... until the next melt down. Hour by hour, minute by minute, even second by second. You will make it.

Oh and EAT UP!! hee hee ;)

Debbie said...

Amanda, Your openness will help you get through this grieving process. It is healthy to talk (blog) about the pain of losing your mom. She is such a great woman and so are you.
I listened to Brook White's song, Hold Up My Heart and I think it fits Kathy being gone. All your friends love you.

John, Karalee and family said...

It will get better. I promise. You are an amazing woman! You have taught me so much by your example.

You know, there have been times that I would have given anything for my dad to be here to talk to my son to help him through some pretty tough trials, heartache and pain. Then I realize that I know my dad well enough to know that he is helping him. There have been times that I wish he was here for me too.

You honor your mother by the way you live. I see that. Judging from what you have said about her, I am sure that she is involved in your life. You may not see it right now, but you will. You will pull up out of this, because you are her daughter. This mortal existence is so short. You will be with her again soon, forever. Until then, just continue to honor her by being the wonderful person you are.

amy said...

I am sorry that you are going through this, it pretty much sucks! Cry as much as you want, just let it out! Life is not fair and I used to wonder how come my Mom had to leave this earth when she was so good and there are so many bad people here and I realized my Mom was too good to be here and Heavenly Father needed her for something bigger and better up there. It doesn't make it any easier though. Go get yourself a Coke and chocolate donut and I'll do the same and I'lll be thinking of you!

Kami said...

so much change has happened and continues to happen in your life. I think you have so much strength just to write it out like this. You will love looking back at this post in a year when you feel differently.

I woke up thinking about you the other morning and I just want you to know that I am here to talk whenever you want. From what I have heard, you have already made some pretty neat friends out there. We all love you.

Just keep running and praying to help your mental state. that's all.

Steve said...

I have been in a "funk" too lately. You have more of an excuse than me.
I was really surprised that I have been feeling crappy because I love to move and am used to it, something is different this time though. i wish I could say something to make it better but only you really know how to get out of it.
I thought of you a lot last month because my mom was gone for 3 weeks and I could not call or email her. I never realized how many times a day I lean on my mom and my heart broke for you. I remember that I wanted to email you and tell you how awesome I think you are doing, but I did not because I was in a funk:)
My funk is getting better, I miss my Utah friends too(and Indiana)! They were some of the best friends that I have ever made. I tear up thinking about it.
Take care, close your eyes and feel your moms arms around you.

jennallenufpa said...

Hey Manda, this is Jessie. You must be some incredible person to go through all this. I guess its true that bad things happen to good people. You are an amazing person Manda. It's hard. I love you and miss you.

Brook said...

Amanda- I feel sad reading about the slump you are in! I hope you are feeling more like yourself soon. Life sometimes just sucks, but you are so strong and if anyone can make it through it will be you! Miss you! Think about you often.

jennallenufpa said...

Manda, This is Jenn. I just set up my account finally so I can make comments and Jess beat me to it. Your blog could have been mine. I am in that same "funk" and I hate it. We miss you all terribly. I am just so glad that if we can't have our sweet mom here to help us, we have each other. No one can do it like mom did,I miss her more every day. But you guys always help me feel just a little better. I hope I can do that for you. Love you.

The Gatherum Family said...

This could have been my post as well. I don't know what to say that can or will help you but I can tell you that you are "normal" and that all the things you are feeling, you are supposed to be feeling. As far as the counseling thing, I am telling you, until I went through it I was ANTI counseling, now I am so for it. It helped me soooo much, I can't even tell you. I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I can't believe the amount of change you have endured this past year. Please know that I am here to talk and listen anytime. You are strong and you will get through this, but let those around you help you. I am thinking of you and hope you are okay.

Sara said...

You WILL get there.

I hope you know that I am really happy you moved to Indiana. It's like a little piece of Utah came to brighten our gray Hoosier skies. And even though you "don't feel like you," you are still a great friend.

I hope you feel better soon.

Jason K said...

My in-law's last name is funk. Do you want to talk to them? Maybe it will help to talk to the funk I know and not your own. That sounded funky, but it may help. We are so excited to see you all when we see you. Not sure when it will be but it will be soon...see. When will that be? We miss you guys!!!!! Love you guys!!!!!Hang in there!!!!! Thinkin' about you all!!!!

Kelli @ writing the waves said...

10 hours and 48 minutes...that what it says on Mapquest. I want to come see you. I'm trying to figure out how I can do it. Hmmmm.....

I think you are doing better than you give yourself credit for. You have been through A LOT, girl! And you know, if you want to talk to a counselor, there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it is nice to just talk to someone who can help you reflect on things and work through things.

I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to call you yet. I will today!

betsy clayton said...

hey manda... what a rollercoaster ride your family has been on! I think about you and your sisters often! you know that your mom would want nothing but the best for you...and your kids want you to be the best mom you can be! your kids need you to be strong,fun,and happy! so,as much as you don't want too...just pray and ask for that strength! and go running too! love-betsy

Barney Family said...

I am always here for you!!! Especially in the running department!!! WE need to find a fun race and sign up for it. It will give us a goal!!! It will warm up soon and then it will be better! I so can relate to your situation I remember feeling the same way when I moved to Ohio. But, I can't share with you the pain in losing your mother. I feel for you!

Here's to better days and creating great memories in the future!

Beth said...

Of course it's hard. Grieving is long and slow and hard. I don't think it ever really ends. I know what you mean about being in a funk. Simple things seem so much harder sometimes. So sometimes you just need to fake it til you feel it, you know? At least, that's what I've been doing. If you ever need someone to fake having a good time taking the kids to the park or me.

Lyndee said...


I so wish you would call me. I have suffered from panic attacks/anxiety my whole life. I know what it feels like to be in a funk. PLEASE call me anytime. Sometimes it is good to just talk to someone and let it out. I know you have awesome sisters to talked too. But if you ever need anyone here in Indy I am a phone call away. If you ever need someone to watch you kids call me ANYTIME. Hang in there. I just love that you moved here.

Alyssa Hanzon said...

What I love about this post is that you were able to make some very clear distinctions between what feels wrong and out-of-sync in your life right now, and then compare it to all of the known blessings you recognize in your life.

Often when people are feeling like they are at a low place in life, they are unable to see ANY good around them at all. AND, they certainly are unable to voice it to people the way you just have in your blog.

There is hope in your heart, Amanda. I felt it just be reading your words. I know you will get through this. There is courage and strength within you, simply because of:

-who you are as a daughter of God,
-who you have become just by being a Dorius daughter,
-who you are becoming while being a wife to Brett,
-and who you are perfecting just by being a mother to your children.

All of these roles (among others)that you fulfill have made you the kind of person that CAN conquer this challenging moment in time.

I just attended a weekend Women's Conference where through spiritual talks, music and friendship I was reminded of just how much power and strength we all have within us to battle through the tough times.

That strength comes through Christ. You probably know the quote about God not ever giving us any trial that we cannot handle. That quote is slightly wrong. We are presented with MANY things we cannot handle - at least not without Christ's help. If we allow our Savior and his love to encircle us and lift us up, only then can we handle all trials that we are given.

The moral of the story is:
You have hope in your heart. You know what you want. And you have many people who love you and will help you. Most importantly, you have the Savior to bear your burdens with you.

Let Him bear your burdens. He has already suffered for you and can relate to all of your thoughts, feelings and emotions.

You are not alone.

Logan and Ashley said...

You will get there! Love ya Amanda!!!

Becky, yep said...

I listened...I cried...I feel the same. Things just shouldn't be THIS hard.

(ps, my mom just told me to buck up and I stuck my tounge out at her!)

I believe that your Mom IS with you...just need to figure out HOW to lean on her!
Good luck...lots of love from UT

Marti said...

Hang in there Mand! WE miss you too! Your sister said it perfectly...cry it out, then keep plugging away. I am sure just writing it out felt theraputic!

Staci said...

It would be so hard to go through all the changes that you have had this past year. I know you will get through it all and become a stronger person.

Indiana Smith Family said...

you are awesome! You are a GREAT mom! I am sorry you are having such a hard time! I am sorry you are missing your Utah friends and family(Me too)! I am glad however that you are here, you being here has made this move easier for me-Thanks for being a good friend-thanks for being here!!!!!!!

amanda said...

mom i no you mis gramo your mom