Monday, December 29, 2008

29 December 2008


We finally got a new desk for our computer but we are having some technical difficulties.  We had a great Christmas.  I missed home but had fun with just my little family.  We did meet up with some new friends on Christmas Day.  Many of us here are without our extended families so we all went over to the church and had Christmas dinner and let the kids show off their new toys.  It was different but very fun.

As the new year approaches I am very reluctant to welcome it.  This year has been quite a challenge for me and I am a little nervous of what 2009 has in store for me.  I'd like to think that I deserve a "year off" but you never know.

And it is a new year without my mom.  I miss her more and more each day.  I think many people think it gets easier as time goes by.....it doesn't.  The void she left in my life gets more noticeable by the day.  With so many new exciting and scary adventures I miss the one person behind me, cheering me on.  She made me feel that I could do and handle anything.  If I had one more day with her, I would ask her this question, "What do I do when I miss you so much?"  

Sometimes I wonder if she even knew how much we all would miss her.  I think if she did, she wouldn't have been so willing to go.  But she had such a strong testimony that I'm sure she knew we would all be okay.

As I felt a little sorry for myself on Christmas Eve, I tried to remember that Christmas isn't about me or having everything I want.  It is about the birth of our Savior.  I really took time to reflect on how my life has been blessed because of my Savior.  I am so grateful for my testimony.  This year more than any I felt that was the best gift I could ask for. 

2008 wasn't the worst year, the hardest, but definitely not the worst.

21 comments:

Logan and Ashley said...

I am so sorry about you missing your mom. I couldn't imagine how hard it gets day by day. I wish there was something I could do, although I know there isn't. Please know we love you and think about you all the time!

Dawn said...

We missed you. We missed Mom.

We were all very proud of you and your strength. You are an amazing sister, wife, mother, daughter, and friend.

You usually see the glass half full - sometimes it is okay to see the glass half empty. I know you have an incredible testimony.
We are blessed and we know it.
We love you

estanworth said...

Those kids are so stinking CUTE!! I am so sorry that each day is still so hard. I know that she is there with you in spirit. It's just hard to not be able to get a response back.

Heather @ boy, girl, and a pug said...

It's ok to be sad. Cancer sucks and it sucks even more when it takes someone we love.

I, too, am scared of what 2009 will bring. But whatever it brings, it's all good because we have our beautiful children and somehow they make it all manageable!

I love the pic of the kids by the way. Gorgeous!

Brook said...

Loved the Christmas card. I was so excited. Sounds like you have made lots of new friends. I am so happy for you and your family. Think of you often and think you are an amazing person. I am feeling so homesick! It is hard to be away from family around the holidays.

Barney Family said...

Beautiful post! I am teary eyed reading it. Hopefully 2009 will be better for you guys. When I get back lets plan a girls night out and we can maybe get together for a run.

Kellie

Staci said...

Your kids look so cute! I am sure that was hard being away from your family and missing your mom so much. That would be a great question to ask your mom, I wonder what the answer would be to that? I hope you are adjusting and that things will just keep getting better!

Kami said...

You got me tearing up. I know she has been there with you, and that she is aware of all of you and your family. You have a great outlook. 2009 is going to be a great year for your family...go on, place your order right now, what do you want...steak or cowboy casserole? ;) ( I know...I'm a dork. ;))

ps. your kids look darling! Dangit...I forgot all about the cute Christmas Sunday Best, maybe next year. :)

Brooke said...

The kids are adorable as always. I have been thinking a lot about you and your family this Christmas. I'm glad that you found some joy despite the circumstances. You're right, it does get harder for some reason. It just one of those things that doesn't really ever get easier, you just learn to cope with it better. Or something like that. I wish I had some answers. Here's hoping this new year will bring peace and healing.

Kelli @ writing the waves said...

I can't even imagine how much you miss your mom, and especially with all the new things your family is experiencing. I know she's still cheering you on every day.

I'm hoping 2009 will be easier too. Definitely will be full of new adventures living in a new place. We're gearing up for that ourselves...I need to call you for moral support. :)

Kelli @ writing the waves said...

P.S. I love the picture of the kids. Adorable outfits! Thanks for the C-mas card too. :)

The Gatherum Family said...

Oh Amanda,
It WILL get easier, I don't know about better, but easier. You are such a strong person and you will get through this. I know your sweet mom was there with you and will continue to be with you while you struggle through the sadness and grief that I KNOW is so profoundly present in your life right now.
Thanks for the darling Christmas card, I loved it. Cute, Cute pic of your kids. Aren't Christmas Sunday pictures the best? Have a great New Years.

Liz said...

The kids look beautiful. I hope that you do have a better year. I am glad that you are making friends.

Jenna said...

Those kids are so cute! I am so sorry that you have to be without your mom, but I know she is really proud of you and the person you are. You are a great example to me. I miss you!

Jen said...

Amanda I miss you!! I'm glad you had a good Christmas even without your mom. Looks like you had a good time though.

Debbie said...

The kids are so cute! Please tell Tobe that Dibby misses him. Amanda, when you wrote you wanted to ask your mom how to stop missing her, I heard her voice say in the Kathy way: "Just get up and keep on going." We always used to laugh that I loved nursing people when they were sick, etc. and she didn't. She always wanted to tell people to get up and keep going to work. I smile as I write that. She was (is) really one special person!

Samantha said...

Thanks for the Christmas card! Your children are adorable. Alyson is growing up so fast.
I KNOW that 2009 will be a wonderful year because your mom will be with your every step of the way. Happy New Year!

Lee said...

Oh that made me cry. I cannot imagine how hard this is. I am so happy to have you here, and I hope 2009 is wonderful for you.

Thanks for a fun party last night it was great!

Alyssa Hanzon said...

Amanda,
When I read your post just now, and thought about how wrenching 2008 was for your whole family, a quote from L. Tom Perry came to mind. He reminded that we cannot ever truly know or predict the struggles and storms of life

"but as persons of faith and hope, we know beyond the shadow of any doubt that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and the best is yet to come".

Your faith makes you strong, Amanda. I believe that and wanted to tell you that I know the future will be bright for your family. 2009 will be a great year. Your mom will continue to be a quiet influence in your life. Have a great day. AH

Stacy said...

How cute is that pic!?! I bet it was really hard to be away from any of your family during the holidays. That would make me feel pretty lonely to be in a new home, ward, state, all by myself...looks like you survived it, and are probably stronger from it. I'm sure your mom is watching over you and helping place new friends in your path to help fill the void she left in you.

Hang in there!

kakaw master said...

your kids look so cute!! Jane looks so grown up in that picture! We miss you guys a ton, even cayman, we were in costco a few days before christmas and there was a little blond haired girl in a shopping cart and she just kept yelling ALI, ALI at the little girl. Also larry was very excited to get brett's call the other night during the game. I am glad to see that you have been making new friends out there so quickly. We miss you!!!!