We Are NOT In Charge

On Tuesday night I went to my mom's house at about 8:30 pm.  I was trying to get there in time for prayers but I missed them.  My mom was still awake but in bed by the time I got there.  She was smiling and talking about how excited she was to see her dad, mom, and brother who have passed on.  We were making jokes and having a good cry but we felt peace.  I gave her a hug and said I loved her; she hugged me back and said she loved me.  I left feeling so peaceful and uplifted by the spirit.  I thought to myself, "She can go now.  Tonight she will go."

I slept with the phone by my side all night.  I took the phone running with me in the morning.  No phone call.  Obviously she is still hanging in there. 

The hospice nurse came by the next day and explained that she still has a lot of the steps to accomplish in the "dying" process so she could still live another 2 weeks.  My mom did not want to hear this.  She is so ready and to be honest I was too that night before.  But I realized at that moment that we are not in charge.  We have no control over this situation.  It truly is the Lord's will.

For the last 2 days my mom hasn't smiled once.  She is not peaceful.  She is irritated, uncomfortable, and grumpy.  That peaceful uplifting spirit I felt on Tuesday has vanished.  I don't quite know how to feel now.  My mom is gone.  Her body is somehow alive but her spirit is gone.  I know this is the process we must go through but it is so hard.  I miss her.  I've missed her since April 28th when she was diagnosed.  It is very strange but I feel as though my mom is slowly being taken from me and I have absolutely no control over the situation.  

Tonight as I left I hugged her but she didn't hug me back.  I said I loved her and she mumbled something back.   I would have had her go Tuesday night after a wonderful evening of "I love yous" and smiles.  But I'm not in charge.