Friday, July 25, 2008

We Are NOT In Charge

On Tuesday night I went to my mom's house at about 8:30 pm.  I was trying to get there in time for prayers but I missed them.  My mom was still awake but in bed by the time I got there.  She was smiling and talking about how excited she was to see her dad, mom, and brother who have passed on.  We were making jokes and having a good cry but we felt peace.  I gave her a hug and said I loved her; she hugged me back and said she loved me.  I left feeling so peaceful and uplifted by the spirit.  I thought to myself, "She can go now.  Tonight she will go."
I slept with the phone by my side all night.  I took the phone running with me in the morning.  No phone call.  Obviously she is still hanging in there. 
The hospice nurse came by the next day and explained that she still has a lot of the steps to accomplish in the "dying" process so she could still live another 2 weeks.  My mom did not want to hear this.  She is so ready and to be honest I was too that night before.  But I realized at that moment that we are not in charge.  We have no control over this situation.  It truly is the Lord's will.

For the last 2 days my mom hasn't smiled once.  She is not peaceful.  She is irritated, uncomfortable, and grumpy.  That peaceful uplifting spirit I felt on Tuesday has vanished.  I don't quite know how to feel now.  My mom is gone.  Her body is somehow alive but her spirit is gone.  I know this is the process we must go through but it is so hard.  I miss her.  I've missed her since April 28th when she was diagnosed.  It is very strange but I feel as though my mom is slowly being taken from me and I have absolutely no control over the situation.  
Tonight as I left I hugged her but she didn't hug me back.  I said I loved her and she mumbled something back.   I would have had her go Tuesday night after a wonderful evening of "I love yous" and smiles.  But I'm not in charge.

6 comments:

Debbie said...

We're in the motel lobby. I am so sad for you all. You know you are loved, now you have to be so strong. Just remember Tuesday night and all the years of love and support. You can do it! Much love.

UT Halls said...

You are right!

I told Mom on Tuesday morning that I prayed for one more day with her - She got mad and said, "Don't do that again." I laughed and told her, "if He was listening to me, she would be healed." I know our Heavenly Father is listening to each of us and wishes He could grant our desires, but you are right, He is in charge and there is still more for her.
She still loves us, we have to remember what she did and said our entire life and try not to focus on the past few days. We will always KNOW she loves us.

Hey, you didn't say anything about your 10K!!! Congrats to you for making a goal and accomplishing it, in between everything else. You did it!! Be Proud!!

The Gatherum Family said...

He is in charge and I also believe that there is a plan and he allows that plan to be fulfilled without stepping in unless needs be. At my mom's funeral, my sister gave the most amazing talk. I would love to get a copy of it to you. She talked about the story of Lazarus and how upset Mary and Martha were when Christ finally came to them and how when they took him to Lazarus, Jesus wept and groaned in the spirit and grieved with them, he did this KNOWING that in a matter of moments, Lazarus would be lifted from the dead and that all would be made whole. He didn't intervene with their grief, instead he joined them. She likened it to all of us that day at my mom's funeral...Jesus knows that someday all of us and all of you will be reuninted with our mom's who were taken entirely too early, he knows this yet he still mourns with us and let's what neeeds to happen, happen. I pray for peace and strength for you and your family over the next couple of weeks. I am so sorry...

Jenna said...

Your faith inspires me. I pray that you and your family will have peace in knowing that Heavenly Father is blessing you during this difficult time.

Marti said...

Hang in there Amanda! There are so many who are praying for you and your family. The Lord is with you!

Lisa Cannon said...

I am so sorry for you all. This has happened way too fast. I pray for you and your family during this difficult time.