Tuesday, July 15, 2008

My Day


Today my mom's best friend and her daughter and my friend, Kami came to my house and watched my kids all day long so I could be with my mom.  It is so hard to spend some good quality time with my mom when I have my kids with me, so this was such a gift.
My mom spends most of her time either in bed or in a wheel chair now.  She hasn't left her bedroom in over a week because she is just too weak.  It's hard for her to do everything.  But she continues to smile and laugh with her children.  I absolutely love being there.  She has always been the one to make me feel better in any situation and this one is no exception.  She lights up my life.
When I first found out that my mom had cancer I wasn't sure I liked the knowledge of limited time with her.  I almost just wished she'd have gone quickly one night in her sleep.  That way I wouldn't have to watch her suffer.  But this time we've had has been such a gift.  I have been able to serve her in a way that I never thought I would.  Jenn gives her leg massages every day, Dawn gets her ready, washes her hair and does her make-up, we all have taken turns getting her meals, water, ice..... the list goes on.  It isn't comfortable for my mom to ask for help.  She has always been so independent so we have created a different relationship with her.  Even though it is hard to watch, it is priceless to be able to take care of her the way she has always taken care of me.
I can't imagine my life without her.  We now talk about that because it is reality but I still can't believe it is happening.  I am trying so hard to prepare for it but at the same time, it isn't going to happen.  When this is all over things will go back to normal and normal is with my mom.
It is hard for me to sift through all that I am feeling so I leave it up to Josh to keep you all updated, but somedays I just need to vent and someday I will want to read this.

19 comments:

UT Halls said...

You said it beautifully. I wish I could write like you and Josh. You are wise beyond your years. I have said it several times, how amazed I am at your wisdom. You teach me so much.
I hope we will stay close like this forever. Mom always brought us together and she continues to do so.
As we serve her, we are getting so much more out of it than we could ever give Mom. Poor Mom... :(
I guess it is good that we continue to BE GRATEFUL. This time IS a gift. We are all so grateful for it.

UT Halls said...

Just an added note, I am glad you chose to post this picture. It is one of my favorites.

Mindy, the photographer, emailed me the day after we took these pictures. She was touched by this photo. She said, "If you look closely, there is a tear drop in all of our eyes."
I think it sums up this entire experience - smiles with tears, sadness with pure joy.

We are so lucky. We are so lucky.

Kelli said...

Beautiful picture. I didn't see that one in the slide show.

I'm so glad you've been able to spend some quality time with your mom. I know that is so precious to you and to your mom. What a special opportunity you've been given to really serve and take care of her. I know she appreciates all that you do.

Anners said...

I'll bet although this is a horrible time for your mom, she is also so grateful to have this time. She must feel all the love you all are showering on her. My husband's father died of cancer 3 years ago and the suffering was excruitiating to watch & horrible for him to bear. But, knowing you have finite time opens you up and you say and do all the things you want & in it's own way is a gift and is healing. It is a strange mix of pain and beauty. I'm glad you are able to find those moments in all of this

Jenna said...

What a beautiful picture! I am glad you were able to spend some special time with your mom yesterday. I am sure it meant the world to both of you.

Logan and Ashley said...

How sweet that you spent such a day with your mom. You have great people around you to watch your children and give you that opportunity. She is blessed to have amazing daughter in her life. And like you said what a blessing to be able to serve your mom the way you have been able to. I draw strength from your strength! May the Lord continue to bless you in your time of need!! Love you!

Jamie Densley Fieber said...

One thing I wish I would have done before my mom passed away was to try not to dwell on how much time we had left and just live in the moment. Some of my most tender memories with my mom came when i was able to do many of the same things that you are all doing for you mom. We pray for your strength continually and want you to know that we love you all! It sounds like you guys are doing the right thing by living in the moment... you will be very blessed because of this!

Kami said...

I am glad you had a good day with your mom, and that you really got to focus on being with her. I love that picture. You are all such beautiful girls.

estanworth said...

I just love you- and it is so hard to see your family struggling. Embrace those precious moments you have to spend with your mom. Isn't a great thing to be able to serve the ones we love? You are an amazing strenght to me. God bless you guys!!

Brooke said...

I'm so glad that you got to spend a day with your mom. I think I told you before, but it is a hard balance. I wished I could have spent every moment with my mom, but I had my own family to take care of. I completely know what you talk about when you say that it doesn't seem real. I think that it hurts our hearts too much and we can only take it in small doses. My mother has been gone for over a year and a half and I still almost pick up the phone to call her somtimes. It's still not totally real for me. It's almost too much to wrap your brain around. You will make it, even though sometimes I'm sure it feels like you won't. I am surprised everyday that I keep it together because it felt like my mom was the glue that held our family together and lots of times she was the glue that held me together. But, I do. For my mom. To honor her legacy. My children will not know their grandma but they will know me. I hope that they will look at the mother I have been and say, "grandma must have been someone special to have given us such a good mom." I know that no matter how long or short your mother's time here, you and your family will honor her legacy. You already do. I don't know your mother extremely well, but I have gotten to know much of your family in the last few months and she is one incredible lady to have raised such wonderful kids. As always, you are in my prayers and my thoughts. Sorry for the novel.(:

Debbie said...

Your kids were so good, it wasn't hard.
I have enjoyed so much seeing you kids with your mom and each other. This is a strange, difficult time and to see the love for your folks and each other as you pull together is awesome.
Kami and I will do it again.

kassidyspiers said...

Hi Mandy, it is Kassidy Wilson Spiers. I found your blog through Kami's. I have been coming here alot to check on your cute mom, I thought it was time to say something to you! I wish I could find the words to say I that I am sooo sorry your mom and family have to go through this. She is very lucky to have such great kids to take such good care of her. I read your brothers blog everyday to check up and my heart breaks! I hope you remember who I am!!! Just know that you and your family are in my prayers!!!!
You haven't aged a bit, you are still so cute!!! What a cute family!
Kassidy

kassidyspiers said...

Hi Mandy, it is Kassidy Wilson Spiers. I found your blog through Kami's. I have been coming here alot to check on your cute mom, I thought it was time to say something to you! I wish I could find the words to say I that I am sooo sorry your mom and family have to go through this. She is very lucky to have such great kids to take such good care of her. I read your brothers blog everyday to check up and my heart breaks! I hope you remember who I am!!! Just know that you and your family are in my prayers!!!!
You haven't aged a bit, you are still so cute!!! What a cute family!
Kassidy

Jen said...

It is so nice that you are getting to spend this time with your mom. The circumstances are not great, but I think it is really time that you will look back on fondly. It is nice to be able to have the time to make sure the final moments are beautiful ones, full of love & compassion. My prayers are still with you!

Shauna said...

So wonderful that there are these compassionate moments that you all get with your mom.

Staci said...

That really is a beautiful picture. I'm sure this time with your mom is priceless. It is so great that you have such a support team. I love your outlook on this experience you are going through, though I am sure it is a struggle and a myriad of emotions from day to day.

Marti said...

Mand- I think about you and our mom everyday. There are so many people that care about you and are praying for you and your family. I am sure that you can feel it in your life at times. The Lord is with you and knows your pain! I am glad you get this time with your mom. It is priceless! I hope you get a lot more of these days!

Lisa Cannon said...

Your mom has such a great support system. I'm sure she loves having her kids around her all of the time. I think about you guys often and you are in my prayers.

The Gatherum Family said...

So glad you have this TIME. You said it so well in this post. I'm here anytime, really so please call if you need to talk or need anything at all...